Today, we are to write about the loss of something or someone.
The losses that have affected me most are deaths, relationships and jobs. I have so many things that I’ve lost, and I am not sure of where to begin. I have lost my parents, have lost my sense of security and safety in this world, and as I grow older, I realize the loss of dreams that will not be accomplished.
Loss is a depressing word. The only good loss I can think of is the loss of my sins that Jesus took from me on the cross.
Other posts have mentioned feeling the loss of self. I have felt that too. I could also write humorously of losing my mind, which in part is probably true. Again, this is a hard assignment; where do I start?
This is also such a personal topic, that I find it hard to share my losses with others. I am not sure I feel comfortable with this assignment. Loss is a personal experience.
I would much rather write about the things I’ve gained, instead of lost.
My most recent tragic loss was when my mom passed away. I just wanted so much to do things differently. The loss of not being able to do things over the right way was so convicting. I wanted her to know how much I loved her, that my actions and attitude weren’t right towards her in the past. She had many beautiful qualities, and had nine kids. She didn’t have an easy life. My ill attempts to make things better, just made things worse.
I left home as soon as I could, thinking the world would be a better place than my home and family, just to find out that everybody had problems, and there were way worse people than my parents. After all the bad stuff happened in life, I was a different person, and just couldn’t relate to my family the same way anymore. I kept a distance, and created more walls.
I felt excluded by my siblings during this time, like I wasn’t even family anymore. I guess my walls worked pretty well.
I used to blame my mom and dad for the way I felt about myself. My dad consistently told me I was dumb and good for nothing, that I was not going to amount to anything. He said it when he was drunk, supposedly in teasing, but I heard it too often. Every time I made a mistake, those haunting words drove me to attempt the perfection that no human being can attain. When I presented my dissatisfaction with my mom, she told me that everything I did, I did on my own, and had no one to blame but myself. It was true, as my parents never tried hard to direct my paths, and I was pretty free to do whatever I wanted. There were no restraints.
I always wanted to fix the broken things, and when I couldn’t, I just gave up, and went on to something new, including with my family. It became a cycle, and amounted to more losses.
When my mom passed away, I couldn’t handle the depression of realizing I wouldn’t have a second chance to make things better. I knew she was with the Lord. She became a believer in Jesus, and studied volumes of literature to try to know Him better, along with writing notes to herself, of what she read in the Bible. We would speak at times on the phone and talk about the things she read. I would visit, but living a thousand miles away, didn’t give me time to stay for very long. I wanted it that way — with not getting too close to anyone, or letting anyone get too close to me.
What a loss! Losing a parent is tragic, especially with a relationship that needed mending, needed closure. My mom always loved me, and I know that, and she knew I wanted to make things better for her. With loss, there is a sense of failure though. I miss her so much. I still hear her beautiful voice, see her smile, smell her perfume, and see the vivid beautiful colors of pink and turquoise that she loved. I am reminded so often of her. Even though she is gone physically, I am visited by her memory so often. She loved color, and it made her feel good to dress like a lady, and she liked the finer things in life, though there wasn’t the money to afford the luxuries that she would have liked.
I would have to say losing my mom has been one of the greatest losses in my life.